“No Laugh ‘N Matter”, by Gloria Pitzer – Eat Your Heart Out Mr. Clean!
(aka: “No Laughing Matter”)
INTRODUCTION
April is, among other things, National Humor Month. Mom wore many hats in her hectic life, including humorist. She was very creative and funny. She designed a few different editorial columns, satirically geared toward working homemakers like herself (or those who just want to laugh at life), mailing out samples to over 300 newspapers.
Within a year, she was steadily writing two different columns (“No Laughing Matter” and “Minding the Hearth”) for 60 regular papers. Mom found her life, as a struggling, working homemaker, wife, and mother of five, to be the best subject about which to write and it was so relatable to so many of her readers.
She also created paralleling cartoon panels, which she called “Full House – as Kept by Gloria Pitzer”; all of which likewise satirically depicted her life in the 1960s and 1970s, during the Women’s Liberation movement.
The internet is an awesome source of information and archives for finding some of Mom’s old “No Laughing Matter” columns; as well as her old cookbooks that have been out of print for years but can still be found on Amazon and eBay (sometimes for ridiculous amounts because they’re no longer in print).
I’ve shared several of her editorials within my blog posts, “Mondays & Memories Of My Mom”, over the past seven-plus years (and you’ll see them again, here), as I’m dedicating this tab and these monthly posts to her ageless, creative writing talents. I have a couple of binders full of her humorous commentaries and I look forward to re-sharing them all, here.
In honor of Mom’s comedic writing legacy, here is one of her old “No Laugh ’N Matter” columns that she syndicated. This is the first one I shared in “Mondays & Memories Of My Mom – Spring Into Cleaning” (March 25, 2019). I also recently shared it in “Mondays & Memories Of My Mom – Spring Cleaning Begins” (March 23, 2026).
“No Laughing Matter”, by Gloria Pitzer
EAT YOUR HEART OUT MR. CLEAN!
[Seen, locally, in The Times Herald (Port Huron, Michigan; Feb 14, 1974).]
MANY OF YOU HAVE written, asking what shortcuts I recommend for getting through the hang ups of housework. I thought you’d never ask. And I’m happy to share with you some of the lesser known household hints that you are not apt to find in the elegant publications…
Now, my household hints are NOT necessarily recommended by GOOD HOUSEKEEPING, Dr. Seuss, my mother-in-law, the neighbors, Mr. Clean…but they do work! Unless, that is, you’re expecting miracles.
“If the good Lord had intended for me to have a clean house, He would have given me a maid!” – Gloria Pitzer
WHAT TO DO WITH LEFTOVERS: If, while they are in the refrigerator, leftovers become as hairy as hedgehogs at bay, don’t try to throw them out. Feed them dead flies and keep them as pets!
WHAT TO DO ABOUT COBWEBS: If you have cobwebs in your corners and can’t figure out why, because you don’t have a cob in the house; ignore them if you can’t reach them. If somebody calls them to your attention, exclaim with pride, “Oh! I can’t touch those. They’re my son’s science project!”
WHAT TO DO ABOUT JAR LIDS THAT REFUSE TO BUDGE: Tell a 4-year-old not to touch them!
IF YOU HAVE OVER-SIZED HIPS: Wear Jodhpurs. They’ll go out where you do!
IF YOU PUT ON WEIGHT EASILY: Let out your couch!
TROUBLE FALLING A SLEEP? If you can’t count sheep… try talking to the Shepherd!
CONCERNED ABOUT SHORTAGES? Help conserve water… bathe with someone you love! Help conserve paper… stamp out bumper stickers! Get an education… drive a school bus! Eat a beaver… save a tree!
TO CONSERVE ENERGY: Don’t hold post-mortems, brooding over your mistakes. The faster you make one, the less apt anybody is to notice it.
BEFORE GOING TO THE EXPENSE OF REDECORATING YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE: Move!
TO PREVENT SCRUB WATER FROM RUNNING DOWN YOUR ARMS WHILE WASHING WALLS: Hang from your feet!
CLEANER FLOORS: If you have tried the miracle product as advertised on TV and you still can’t get your floors to look as clean as those seen on the commercial, write to the manufacturer of that cleaner and have them send you that mop!
SHORT ON SILVERWARE AT MEALTIME? Delegate a search party of children to check out the sand box, toy chest and cold air returns. Chance are, you’ll find them!
TO REMOVE CHEWING GUM from a new, white bedspread, apply peanut butter by rubbing with vigorous motions. If it still doesn’t come out, get a new bedspread!
TO AVOID HAVING YOUR HUSBAND USE THE GUEST TOWELS to clean the carburetor…hang only cleaning rags on the bathroom towel racks!
LAST THOUGHTS…
Thanks for visiting! I hope you’ve enjoyed reading Mom’s “No Laugh ‘N Matter” editorial – a new one of which will appear on this tab on the first of every month. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to email me at therecipedetective@outlook.com. You can also find me on Facebook: @TheRecipeDetective.
